[RatBoy]

I viewed this movie with the same attitude and open-mindedness that I had while viewing “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” first time. Just because it’s a Michael Myer-less movie.. It can still be good on it’s own merits and Halloween III ended up becoming one of my favorite Halloween sequels (close behind Halloween II).

Rob Zombie’s remake/re-imagining of the original clasic “John Carpenter’s Halloween” was marketed as “ A UNIQUE re-telling” … which is a big laugh considering that they are using the words “unique” and “re-telling” in the same sentence to describe a movie which in my opinion is an oxymoron.

Don’t these re-imaginers know the definition of the word “unique” ?

The first hour of this so-called “unique retelling” of the backstory was indeed a completely different story (just like Halloween III had nothing to do with it’s predecessors storywise) the re-imagined backstory tells a new tale of horror icon, Michael Myers’ growing up as a kid with re-imagined details of Myers’ homelife, which is that of a white trash family straight out of The Jerry Springer Show.

The young and bullied Michael Myers begins to act out, killing animals first (he even carries around a dead cat that he killed earlier in his knapsack), then he progresses by eventually killing those in his family that he’s less impressed with, like his mother’s live-in boyfriend that always refers to young Michael as a faggot and older trashy slutty sister, Judy (who would neglects taking her younger brother trick r treating because she was having sex with some guy she just met) .

He spares his younger baby sister, Laurie and his stripper/prostitute mother (played by the no-talent wife of Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon), and ends up getting the aforementioned institutionalization, where he gets meets and begins therapy from Dr. Loomis until Michael realizes that he’s never getting out, and decides to never talk anymore (out of protest).
As time goes by, Michael (played by Tyler Mane AKA Sabre Tooth on X-Men)) grows into a hulking 7 foot menacing killing machine in contrast to the average sized Shape/boogy man from the original.

One of many Rob Zombie’s slam towards John Carpenter’s original movie was that Michael Myers’ escape from Smith Grove Sanitarium was never fully explained ….. but Rob Zombie being the genius that he is [rolls eyes] fully goes into great detail on Michael Myers’ escape in the most ridiculous and non relevant shock purpose manner due to two staff members at Smith Groves raping a mildly retarded inmate.

And the most idiotic manner… do the take their victim to a secluded boiler room or a lining closet ???

Nope, they take their victim to Michael Myer’s cell to commit the deed enabling Michael to break out of the institution.

The movie falls apart from the moment Michael escapes from Smith Groves and beyond. It gets worse.

Another one of Rob Zombie’s many slams against the original also includes “how did Michael learn to drive a car” and what not. I was the least bit expecting Rob Zombie to deliver in that regards. Instead I was left scratching our head.

What did he walk over 100 miles to Haddonfield overnight ???

I don’t think so… Instead we seem to get this Michael Myers with X-Men’s Nightcrawler’s teleporting abilities throughout the rest of the movie.

From the time Michael Myers arrives in Haddonfield to stalk his now teenaged younger sister that goes by the name of Laurie Strode and her friends until he attacks Annie Brakket was basically the same movie as the original (with a few extra things thrown in).

Except the problem for me as a viewer was:

a.) I could no longer view this as a different story like Halloween III.

b.) Rob Zombie, as a director,.lacks the skills that John Carpenter has in atmospheres, mood and suspense so all those scenes where he tries to ape John Carpenter’s original fell flat.

And it’s even worse at this point of the movie because Michael Myers has already became demystified and humanized due to the previous hour long back story so there was no suspense or scare for the remaining of the movie.

As for the new versions of the original characters:

The new Laurie Strode (originally played by Jaime Lee Curtis after Anne Lockhart turned the role down) is now played by new comer, Scout Taylor-Compton and unlike the semi-prudish, selfless honorable Laurie from the original which audience can route for, Scout’s portrayal was that of an annoying , grating unlikable whiny bitch which fails to get the viewer to sympathize for..

The original Lynda (played by PJ Soles) came across as ditzy and careless but still every bit realistic and likeable. My heart sank when she got killed in the original version.

The re-imagined Lynda was a pure unlikable mean vindictive bullying bitch who was often seen dumping soda on poor defensive nerdy girls and treating everyone around her like sh*t.

Annie (played by the grown up Daniel Harris from Halloween 4 a 5) was just an all around sleazy trashy demented slut and yes there’s a lot of full nudity (which I didn’t mind) and several of torture porn elements that served no purpose to the story. Also I think the re-imagined Annie was bi-sexual. There’s even a scene of Annie who was sort of flirting with Laurie by rubbing up against her and dry humping her.

The original Annie (played by Nancy Loomis) was a bit obnoxious at times and most definitely sex craved but unlike Rob Zombie’s trashy film making tactics, John Carpenter was able to describe Annie’s character in the more subtle way.

As for Malcolm McDowell filling in the shoes of Dr. Loomis (superbly played by the late Donald Pleasence in the original), I very least expected him to be the best thing that this movie has to offer.

Don’t get me wrong, I was neither expecting him to turn in a grande performance on par with his other famous roles like on “Clockwork Orange” or “Time after Time” …. nor was I expecting him to ape Donald Pleasence, however I was the very least expecting him to put his own spin on the Loomis character but instead I saw him turn in his worst performance since “Tank Girl”

I understand that Rob Zombie has written some awful dialogue for the character of Loomis but I have seen good actors make bad dialogue work in the past… look no further than John Colico delivery to many great Baltar moments on the original Battlestar Galactica, with some poorly written dialogue…

But despite Rob Zombie’s poorly written dialogue through out, McDowell’s delivery was mostly flat and uninspiring throughout the entire movie. This could also be due to what I find to be terrible directing abilities on Rob Zombies part.

The rest of the movie just didn’t do it for me. Rob Zombie’s poor directing relied too much on meaningless shock value, unnecessary extensive gore and the Blair Witch like shaking cams in contrast to atmosphere of suspense like John Carpenter uses for the original.

In fact, the original had no gore what soever unless you would consider a bloody kitchen knife as being gore.

Gone is the original Hitchcock-esque luminous shape/ boogy man of the original Michael Myers replaced by a Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Masacre) like killing spree that was more in the manner like Jason from Friday the 13th. None of Michael Myers’ kills in the remake were carefully planned and executed like the original.

All I can say is this movie sucked and Rob Zombie has outdid Ron Moore and David Eick in the history of any re-imagining of a classic. Perhaps the most sickest part of this trashy production was the fact that Rob Zombie attempted to tell this story in a way so viewers would sympathize with Michael Myers (a serial killer that slaughtered over 15 people in this movie). This might explain why Zombie re-imagined all the original characters into such vile unlikable people. Never the less, to attempt to re-imagine a horror icon such as Michael Myers into a sympathetic character is just plain sick.

Note: This is the same manner in which David Eick and Ron Moore wants their viewers that watch Battlestar Galactica Re-Imagined to sympathize with the terrorists of 911. It’s just sick.

In my opinion this was almost the worst Halloween movie just rating slightly better than Halloween 5 and Halloween Resurrection (which ironically starred Bionic Woman’s 2007 Katee Sack-Off) and that is not saying much considering how bad Halloween 5 and Halloween Resurrection was.

If there’s to be anymore Halloween movies in the future. I hope they bring in some real up and coming talent and perhaps start making more Myer-less Halloween movies like Halloween III: ( a very under rated movie). I fail to see any talent in Rob Zombie as a writer and director and film maker: This movie was pure trash.

For the morbid curious fans of the original…. All I can say is….. Don’t waste your money. Just watch it on the web or downloaded and burn it onto a blank DVD and watch it on your home theater.

I give this movie:

One Half out of Five Smiling Baltars

[kokumo]

Really looking foreward to Zombies’ “Halloween 2”. If any of these re-launched franchises has a chance of taking off it’s “Halloween”.

[Author]

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